Mary Sue Newsies Satire
by SoakEm4Crutchie
Summary: This is exactly what it sounds like. I am fed up with all the Mary Sues, unoriginal plots, and bad stories in general, so I decided to try my hand at satire. This is my first fic that I feel is good enough for me to post. I hope you enjoy it.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys, this is the real author's note. Because this is satire I will be writing in fake author's notes, in italics and bold** ** _like this_** **. If an Author's note is just bold, it is a genuine author's note. My goal with this story is to break as many rules as possible when it comes to writing a good Newsies fan fiction. This is a very long list, but, if you've spent any amount of time in the newsies fan fiction archives(especially the movie version), you will know what I'm talking about. Please enjoy my humble attempt at humor. I will copy this real author's note into each chapter. I own nothing.**

 **Allons-y!**

 ** _A/N:Hey guys! Here is the summary of this great tale of romance and adventure! (but mostly romance. Squee! :D) Mary Sue Kate Sakura Abigail Kensington III is transported back in time to 1900. She is found in an alley and taken to the lodging house by Kid Blink. Read on to hear her story! I suck at summaries!_**

Chapter one: Fifteen year old Mary Sue Kate Sakura Abigail Kensington III was sleeping in her 1200 square foot bedroom one fine summer's day. Her porcelain skin was completely unblemished by freckles or acne, which was uncommon for her age. Her hair fell in perfect waves, stopping just below her shoulders, the colour of sun dipped in honey. Her bright violet eyes were closed, and her long, perfect lashes looked like they were covered in mascara, but it was natural. Her lips were a brilliant shade of red, curved softly in a smile as she slept. Mary Sue Kate Sakura Abigail Kensington III was the picture of beauty. Although she did not know this, she was the only great great great great great granddaughter of Spot Conlon. Also, but more distantly, she was a great niece of Medda Larkson, and somehow distantly related to the Delancey brothers that had lived during that time period.

Now, at 5:00 in the morning, her parent's mansion in Santa Fe was shaken by a huge category twenty eight earthquake! The building collapsed, but luckily, Mary Sue was able to jump out the sixth story window of her bedroom into the private pool in their back lawn that was about the size of a football field. She began to swim to the end, calling for help, but to no avail. The earthquake had broken the nearby Kensington Dam that her father had built for her mother, carving his marriage proposal to her on it. With a gift that expensive, of course she said yes. Huge waves of water crashed down on Mary Sue, and if she had not been so good at swimming, she would have definitely have drowned. She swam over to a skyscraper that her mother had built for her father to reply yes to the proposal. Only a few feet of the top remained in the air. Nearby a shark swam through the water. Looking out over the huge expanse of blue, she saw in the distance Mount Mary, which her parents had paid to have it be renamed after their newborn child. The volcano exploded, and hot lava splashed into the water around Mary, and miraculously, none hit her. To the other side of her, a huge funnel cloud full of sharks and toxic waste spun over to her, picking Mary Sue up with it. A huge barrel of toxic waste came flying at her head, and that's all Mary saw before her world went black.

(Line)

In the year 1900, one year after the strike, Kid Blink was out late one night. He had no idea why, but he felt drawn to leave the lodging house one night, like something important was about to happen that night. Braving the cops, the criminals, and rabid animals that certainly live everywhere in the big city, he set off, walking down the street. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a huge flash of violet light, and a popping sound. Kid Blink decided that this must be the important event he had felt and ran towards it. There, lying in the alley was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her wavy hair was wet and parts of it were singed from what appeared to be hot lava, but was still perfect and more golden than a daffodil. Her skin was unmarked and unblemished, and her cheeks were a beautiful shade of pink. Her clothes were a little odd, but clearly expensive, as they were made with satin and silk. Upon further inspection, the girl appeared to be unconscious. Kid Blink scooped her up effortlessly in his muscled arms and ran all the way back to the Lodging House. Not wanting to wake up the others, Kid Blink set the girl down in his bed and slept on the floor like a true gentleman.

The next morning, Jack woke up to see that across the room from him, slept a girl in Kid Blink's bed. ( ** _A/N: Sorry if I got the bed placements wrong, but I feel like I can write a decent fan fiction without watching the movie again to see extra details that would be useful in my writing. XD!_** ) Looking down, he saw Kid Blink sleeping on the ground. "Hey Blink, wake up!" he said.

"What?" asked Kid Blink?

"Why's dere a goil in ya bed?"

"I found er in one a da alley outside las' night."

"I know what ya mean, we awl find a goil in an alley sometime. I undastand if ya have ta stay heah taday ta watch 'er. I mean, wit awl da fanfic writahs out dere, dey awlways make us do dat."

"Thanks fah undastandin'"

"Ya welcome." Jack replied, before stepping into the washroom with the other boys to get ready for the day.

Kid Blink sighed, now all alone with the girl. All he could do was wait until she woke up, so that's what he did. After about an hour, the girl sat up and looked straight at him with her inquisitive violet eyes.

"Where am I?" she asked him. She had already decided that she hated the boy.

"Da newsboy's lodging house. I found ya unconcious in an alley, and I couldn' just leave ya dere."

"Newsboys…" she muttered under her breath. " If this is a place for newsboys, why am I here? I am a girl."

"Well, Kloppman didn't see me bring ya in, so I guess we'll just hafta dress ya up like a boy. I forgot ta ask what ya name is?"

"I do not know, but this sapphire encrusted locket says "Mary Sue" on it, so that's what I will call myself. I believe I have amnesia."

Kid Blink explained where and when they were, and a few current events to jog her memory.

The two then began ransacking the lodging house for spare clothes. Once an outfit had been assembled, Mary Sue went into the washroom to put it on. When she came out, she was wearing brown pants, black boots, a yellow shirt and a purple vest. She looked very convincing. All that was left was her hair. Kid Blink handed her a brown newsie hat. Mary Sue tucked all her hair inside perfectly on the first try, and almost looked like she had a boy's hairstyle. Mary Sue hated the boy she was introduced to as Kid Blink, but knew that he was right about her needing to dress up like a boy to stay at the lodging house. Where else was she to go? She didn't know where her parents were, if she had any, much less what they looked like or their names.

"Heah's da deal. Jack's da only one who knows dat you'se a goil. I'll tell Kloppman and da oddahs dat I met ya someweah, and dat ya needed a place ta stay. Dey probably won't ask any questions.

 **A/N: That's the end of the first chapter!**

 **That's a lot for reading this! Hope you enjoy the story so far,**

 **GinnyLunaHermione**


	2. Chapter 2

: **A/N: Hey guys, this is the real author's note. Because this is satire I will be writing in fake author's notes, in italics and bold** ** _like this_** **. If an Author's note is just bold, it is a genuine author's note. My goal with this story is to break as many rules as possible when it comes to writing a good Newsies fan fiction. This is a very long list, but, if you've spent any amount of time in the newsies fan fiction category (especially the movie version), you will know what I'm talking about. Please enjoy my humble attempt at humor. I will copy this real author's note into each chapter. I own nothing.**

 **Also, thank you so much to cookieswafflesandfanfic for following this story. It really makes my day to know that someone thinks my story can go far.**

 **And also thanks to Guest, who reviewed! I'm so glad you like the story so far.**

 **Thanks to all of you for reading this! Y'all are amazing!**

 ** _Hey guys, it's me again with a brand new chapter! I have no beta, and this is my first fic so be nice! I only own my amazing character, Disney owns everything else. Sigh…_**

The day after Mary Sue had come to the lodging house, she joined the newsies. She told them that she was a boy whose name was Gary Stu. Jack was the one who usually taught new newsies how to sell papes, so he took Mary Sue out to learn.

"Ok, Gary Stu, people'l buy moah papes if ya improve da truth a little. Foah example, look at this headline: Minah Shopliftah prosecuted. No one'll buy a pape wid a headline like dat. ya gotta improve da truth a little. Like dis." Jack then raised a pape high above his head and shouted. "Criminal Mastahmind arrested! Huge crime spree skids ta a halt!" about ten people flocked over to him to buy a pape and read this most interesting story, which they would not find. "Now you try. Find da title of an article dat has potential, and den make it sound awl da moah impressive.

Mary Sue flipped through the paper and then shouted at the top of her lungs: "Life threatening disease threatens upper east side! Hundreds of lives at stake!" (The original headline was "Common cold spreading in Upper East Side) This time, nearly thirty people came over to her wanting to buy a pape. This began an epic pape selling competition between "Gary Stu" and Jack.

"Store closed for poisoning customers! Thousands affected!" shouted Jack. About fifteen people came over. (The original headline was "Small butcher shop closed for serving rotten food")

"Rabid dog loose in the city! Exact whereabouts unknown!" yelled "Gary". (Original headline: Sick dog lost, owners distraught) This time, a little over twenty people came over, causing Mary Sue to be sold out. Jack stared with his mouth slightly open. Mary Sue smirked and left, back to the lodging house, which was empty. She sat down and began humming to herself. Soon, as she realized that there really was no one to hear her, she began to sing. It was a melody so beautiful that anyone who heard her would have claimed they heard a siren, come to lure them into her trap. And quite a few passers-by gathered outside the lodging house window to listen. When she finally noticed them, she immediately stopped and crouched down under the window. The crowd slowly dispersed.

A few hours later, when most of the newsies were done selling, one newsie by the name of Racetrack decided to start a poker game. Reluctantly, Mary Sue joined in. Despite never having played the game before, she beat all of the other newsies about one minute after the cards were dealt out.

Seeing as she had outsold Jack and beat Race at poker, the newsies were determined to find something that she could fail at. They held a footrace, and Mary Sue beat Swifty, the fastest newsie, by eight seconds. (The race was 100 meters.) Spot, who was always hanging out with the Manhattan newsies instead of staying in Brooklyn for some reason, challenged her to a slingshot competition, and, despite her never have even touched a slingshot in her life, won by a mile.

That night, as she was drawing with one hand and practicing harp with the other and writing poetry with her foot and singing with her mouth, and doing each of these tasks perfectly, she looked up and saw Kid Blink take off his shirt. He sat on his bed for a while with no shirt on, and Mary Sue found herself staring at his six-pack. She had stopped everything she was doing, without even realizing it. Luckily, only Kid Blink noticed, and he blushed and started pretending to organize his belongings. Realizing how late it was getting, Mary Sue Kate Sakura Abigail Kensington III put away her things and reflected on this. All the newsies thought she was a boy, and therefore were comfortable taking their shirts off around her. But why did I stare? She asked herself. I hate him; I don't think he's hot… do I? Mary Sue felt her cheeks turning red and quickly turned so that her back faced the rest of the room. Apparently, I do, she thought, just before Kloppman came in to declare lights out.

 **So, that wraps up the second chapter! Please review, and I hope you like the story so far!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: **A/N: Hey guys, this is the real author's note. Because this is satire I will be writing in fake author's notes, in italics and bold** ** _like this_** **. If an Author's note is just bold, it is a genuine author's note. My goal with this story is to break as many rules as possible when it comes to writing a good Newsies fan fiction. This is a very long list, but, if you've spent any amount of time in the newsies fan fiction category (especially the movie version), you will know what I'm talking about. Please enjoy my humble attempt at humor. I will copy this real author's note into each chapter. I own nothing.**

 **Thank you to Guest, HJG, Anya, cookieswafflesandfanfic, and ConfessionsOfAGeekyFangirl for reviewing.**

 **Thanks to DoctorNinjaZombie, cookieswafflesandfanfic, SteelGirl, and ConfessionsOfAGeekyFangirl for following this story,**

 **And to DoctorNinjaZombie, alliwantisclarity, SteelGirl, and ConfessionsOfAGeekyFangirl for favouriting this story.**

 **All of you are awesome!**

 ** _Hello again, readers! Don't you just love Mary Sue?! I do. I hope you do as well. I only own her… sadly._**

The next day, Mary Sue bought a thousand papes and sold them all within the hour. Using her money (ten dollars), she bought two little orphan siblings lunches, because she was just so generous.

Mary Sue had a natural ability to make people trust her, so the two children told her their entire tragic story. The girl's name was Agatha, and the boy's name was Daniel, and their mother had kicked them out of their house. They were so sad and had such miserable lives, and having someone buy them food made them so happy and inspired that they were going to try and get jobs to make their lives better.

Mary Sue glanced out the window. She saw two people wearing bowler hats looking at someone in the crowd. From their sneaky demeanor, she knew they were about to try beating someone up. Trying to act like nothing different had happened, Mary Sue paid for their lunches and gave each of them a dollar.

Mary Sue started walking down the street. She looked at where the two people in bowler hats were looking and gasped when she realized who they were headed towards. It was Kid Blink!

Mary Sue ran across the street to Kid Blink. "Look out, Blink! Those two are gonna try and soak you!" she shouted to him. He looked over, but before that could happen, Mary Sue felt herself being pushed to the ground from behind. She looked up to see the faces of the two brothers she had read the thoughts of. One of them was about to kick her when all of a sudden, Kid Blink ran up to them and knocked them each out with a single punch.

Mary Sue looked deep into the eye of her savior and wrapped her arms around him. She closed her eyes, perfect red lips slightly parted, asking permission for a kiss. He granted it by closing the gap between their mouths. He pulled off her newsie cap, letting her perfect blonde waves cascade to her shoulders. The two snogged and snogged and snogged until the sun was coming down.

"We should probably get back ta da lodging house, da oddahs'll be worried about us." Said Kid Blink finally. The couple turned to the opening of the alley to see Mush, one of the newsies, staring at them.

"Gary Stu's actually a goil! Ise knew it! Ise knew dere was a reason dat he'd nevah change in da same room as us! Wait till da boys find out!" he shouted. Then, before they could say anything, he ran back to the lodging house, almost certainly to tell the others.

When Mary Sue and Kid Blink got back, it appeared that Mush had told all the other newsies that Mary Sue was a girl. None of them seemed the least bit surprised when she told them all, even Kloppman, who agreed to let her stay regardless of her being a girl.

And they lived happily ever after. The End.

 **That wraps up the main story! I'm going to try and get the epilogue up soon, but school is starting back up, so I am not sure when that will actually happen. I will try and post it today, but no guarantees. I will involve the most Sueish death I can come up with *cough*Titanic*cough*.**

 **Hope you liked the main story and stay tuned for the epilogue,**

 **GinnyLunaHermione**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys, this is the real author's note. Because this is satire I will be writing in fake author's notes, in italics and bold** ** _like this_** **. If an Author's note is just bold, it is a genuine author's note. My goal with this story is to break as many rules as possible when it comes to writing a good Newsies fan fiction. This is a very long list, but, if you've spent any amount of time in the newsies fan fiction category (especially the movie version), you will know what I'm talking about. Please enjoy my humble attempt at humor. I will copy this real author's note into each chapter. I own nothing.**

 ** _This is the last installment of this fan fiction. I own nothing except Mary Sue. But I want Kid Blink. Shut Up and Take My Money, Disney!_**

Epilogue: The year was 1935. ** _(A/N: know the year is wrong, but I wanted to kill off Mary Sue on the Titanic AND make them able to have children without them both being teenagers, so screw historical accuracy! Hot newsies doing pelvic thrusts, your argument is invalid!)_** Kid Blink and Mary Sue were living happily together in their home with five children. And there was much rejoicing. Mary Sue had taken a boat to France to meet an artist there who was impressed with Mary Sue's art, because she was so amazing at it. She took a ship back that sank in the Atlantic Ocean before it could reach New York. **_(A/N: cough*Titanic*cough)_** Kid Blink and their five children and pretty much everyone who knew Mary Sue, (and most people who didn't) mourned her death for a long time. It was very tragic. The End.

 **This is a real author's note. I hope you enjoyed this fic. To readers, I hope it showed you that you are not alone in your frustration of endless perfect teenage girls found unconscious in alleys.** **To writers, I hope this makes you look back on your work and seriously consider whether or not your OC is a Mary Sue. And by the way, I wrote the insane Brooklyn accents in as part of the joke because half the time when someone writes out an accent, I can't understand what they're saying. So please stop doing this.**

 **Hope you liked it, thanks for reading.**

 **Sincerely,**


End file.
